My 6 yr old informed me today that he knew where babies come from.
Me: “The cabbage patch, right?”
6 yr old: “Noooo. They come from mommies, don’t they?”
Me: “That’s right buddy”
6 yr old: “Yep. Mommies go in the bathroom and poop them out”
The babysitter had the tv on in the background at some point this week while the boys were playing and my wife was at the gym. Turns out, one of those “I didn’t know I was pregnant” shows came on where the lady sat on the toilet and *PLOP* - out came a baby.
So - Chrystidoeslife- problem solved. Just go sit on the pot…..
Bringing things back to the intellectual level to which this blog belongs, I give you:
A goat - Beat boxing
Looking for present ideas this Holiday season? Allow me to offer a couple of suggestions….
For the man in your life:
What can every man use? That’s easy - a good wallet. Unless your man is a dirty, dirty hippie, in which case, you can get him a beaded grateful dead fanny pack or something at the local head shop.
My favorite wallet of all time is the Bosco continental wallet. It comes in brown or black.
I, like many people, resist change. I had the same wallet for years and didn’t want a new one. When it wore out, i would go to the same chain store and buy the exact same wallet. And then, one year, my wife got me the Bosco continental. I won’t say that it changed my life, but i sure do like it. Seriously - it’s awesome.
For the woman in your life-
The chip shot on this one is paying for her to get a massage. Women seem to LOVE massages. Personally, i don’t like strangers touching me and rubbing their hands all over my body. But, that’s just me. Buy her an hour long massage, and you won’t regret it.
Or, get her something nice to sleep in. Are you tired of her wearing the same v-neck Garfield t-shirt to bed every night? Then do something about it! And I’m not talking about sleazy lingerie, either, you selfish bastard. This is a gift for her, not you. In the winter, think soft cottons- warm and cozy. To prepare for summer, get her a nice, silky sleeping gown or outfit.
Something that feels good against her skin, but doesn’t make her feel like she’s about to get jumped every time she puts it on.
A well rested woman is a happy woman.
For the kids:
Don’t know what to get your nephew or your best friend from college’s daughter? Well, look no further - go get them this book
It has everything : a young hero, yeti, crocodiles, androids, and all the mysteries of the orient! There is so much cool stuff in this book, I can’t even begin to cover it all. You can get the kindle version on Amazon for $1.99, or you can get an actual book here. But don’t just get it for kids, you can give it to anyone who enjoys awesome stuff.
For your newlywed friends:
This one is pretty self explanatory.
These are just a couple of ideas to help those of you who are stuck on what to get the people in your lives for Christmas. (If you are in to giving presents- which i know is not everyone’s thing)
If all else fails, you can always just get a dog…
My 3 yr old likes to talk about yucky things. I blame his mother.
He wouldn’t eat tonight, so my wife told him she was going to eat his food.
3 yr old: “No! It’s mine! I’m gonna eat it!!”
My wife: “Well maybe I’ll eat YOU up, then.”
3 yr old: “No, I’ll eat YOU up!!! And then I’ll poop you out!”
Now, we have been trying to get him to knock off the gross talk ever since he told my mom he was going to poop in her mouth. So, tonight, I pulled out the big gun. The holy grail of parental manipulation.
I told him that disobeying us was naughty.
And that Santa was watching.
He looked defiant at first, but as his little brain analyzed the risk/benefit ratio, he took on a conciliatory tone.
“I sorry”, he said. “Do you forgive me?”
When I was single, I saw parents manipulate, cajole, physically discipline, and every other manner of thing to get their kids to act right. And I judged them. Because I was young, dumb, and idealistic. I envisioned my children being perfectly obedient and well behaved - with nothing but my love and excellent parenting molding them into WANTING to do the right thing without prompting. Of course, at that same age, I also believed a story I heard about a member of New Kids on the Block being admitted to the hospital to have their stomach pumped to empty the copious amount of semen that was in it.
Yeah - at 16, I wasn’t too bright.
Now? Now I do what it takes to mold my boys’ little minds into believing and doing what I want. I do what is NECESSARY.
You see, I HAVE to. Because even after pulling the Santa card, I saw that little gleam in his eye. Because, as she walked away from the table, I know he heard my wife say under her breath: “I’ll poop YOU out”…..
Some jobs intrinsically have more health risks than others. To rank the most unhealthy jobs in America, we used data from the Occupational Information Network (O*NET), a U.S. Department of Labor database full of detailed information on occupations.
Huh….. Mar-kicksass and Kungfucaveman ?
#4, baby! Although, I’d rate it higher. I get zapped with x-rays and am exposed to chemicals and weird diseases every day.
I love how They slipped in at the end “under the supervision of an anesthesiologist.” Check your facts, Yahoo.
I used to hope all the exposure to the anesthetics would give me, or maybe my kids, super powers.
Now, I just hope it won’t kill me
I have been extremely irritable the last few months. I don’t know why.
I grow angry quickly, and I have no patience. Exactly the opposite of how I am normally.
When I went in for my physical, my doctor suggested doing something therapeutic. “Get a new hobby”, he said.
Well, I already work out.
I like to cook, but I also like to eat what I cook, so baking is out.
I used to like to draw, but I’m such a perfectionist when I do it that it almost makes me more stressed out. So that’s out.
There is one activity that was suggested that, for some weird reason, actually sounds interesting. Appealing, even.
So, I think I’m going to teach myself to knit and/or crochet. (Since my wife told me paying someone to restore classic cars for me wasn’t a hobby option.)
Judge away, but if it will help me be less snappy with my kids, I’ll try it.
I never had a BB gun as a kid.
I’ve never been to a swanky office Christmas party where good looking women take off their clothes and do it with their coworkers in the empty offices.
I don’t live in a 2 million dollar house in the suburbs of Chicago with my wife and 5 kids.
I’ve never had a Christmas in New England, full of snow, hot chocolate, and sledding.
I’ve never had a Christmas where I could lounge around for days before and after, not having to go in to work.
I’ve never received a Christmas bonus big enough to pay for building a swimming pool (although, I did get a turkey once)
AND I’ve never heard of anyone dressed as Santa going on a killing spree. Not even once.
I’m starting to think that watching all of those 80s Christmas movies when I was a kid might have given me some unrealistic expectations of how my life/the holidays would be when I grew up.
Sometimes, silence is best. For example, there is a surgical tech in my OR today (that’s right, I’m at work!) that was telling us how the hot water heater in her trailer died 2 weeks ago. It’s been bitterly cold off and on here for 3 weeks. She said it wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for her 4 kids. Her 2nd grader cried when she showered last week, the water was so cold. She can’t afford a new one.
A few minutes later, the surgeon entered the room and started complaining that the $10,000 chandelier he was having shipped from France was delayed. The best part was where he is putting the light.
He’s putting it in his barn/shop. I’m not even kidding.
Now, I’m not going to get into a discussion about healthcare costs, reimbursement, or about the distribution of wealth in this country. If you can make a ridiculous amount of money legally from a service you provide- good for you.
But sometimes a little sensitivity and discretion go a long way.
And sometimes, you should just keep your damn mouth shut….
Day one of the running streak is in the books!
Of course, it wasn’t me, and it was the wrong kind of streak, but I’m not one to sweat the details.
Holidays are all about tradition here, and I almost shed a tear to see my 3 yr old carry on our household tradition of someone disrobing after the Thanksgiving meal and going Au Naturel. My wife might argue the “our” part, but that’s ok.
“Our”, “My” - it’s just semantics…
I even got home from work before all the food had been put away, and for that, I’m thankful.
AND - I ate a piece of pumpkin pie, which was awesome. Thanksgiving is the one time of the year I am allowed to partake in the wonderland that is pumpkin flavored edibles.
Why, you ask? Well, simply put, my wife cannot abide pumpkin. Not the smell, not the taste, not even the color. She HATES pumpkin.
See, when my wife was a little girl, her older brother ate a bunch of pumpkin pie one year at Thanksgiving. Later in the day, as older brothers are prone to do, he held her down, put his butt on her face, and released the hounds. Apparently, his gas carried the overwhelming, suffocating odor of pumpkin. She has abhorred anything pumpkin ever since.
It’s a small price to pay to be married to someone so awesome.
I hope everyone’s day was full of pie and good memories.